Hanging Back

For maybe the tenth time, I’m trying to make it through a year with my one-year Bible (well, not really a year because I just started in March….I figured I’ve made it through January and February enough times that I could just skip them this year). A few days ago I read the story of the Israelites standing at the edge of the promised land for the second time (the first time they stood in this very place, their fear cost them 40 years in the wilderness and the death of a generation). What really surprised me as I read this story was that the Ruebenites and Gadites asked for the land “east” of the Jordan rather than crossing and living in the land to the west. They promised to go to the land and fight if they could first build cities to leave behind their wives, children and livestock. Stay on the east of the Jordan? After 40 years of wandering in the wilderness to cross this river into the promised land?! At first this appalled me! Granted, the land to the east of the Jordan sounds pretty good – it’s lush, good for crops, beautiful – all in all, it’s a good place to settle……but there’s something better out there, something yet to be seen – the promised land, the very land that God sent Abraham to and promised to give this nation. Why on earth would they stay on the east of the Jordan.

As I drinking my coffee and contemplating this very thought, I started to realize how much I like to settle “east” of the Jordan in my own life. I really believe that God created me for a great adventure….that he has a life for me that is far beyond what I can ever dream of, and far beyond what I can in my own power live or experience…..but the truth is, I like my comfortable world – the world that I can understand, that I can build my city on, that I might be able to venture out of into the battle but without the risk. I can come back home – I can come back to the known, I don’t have to risk losing everything by packing it all up and crossing the Jordan. Ouch! I hate that I live the safe life. I wonder what keeps me here. Is it my fear that God really won’t take care of me if I step out? Is it my control issues – at least if I percieve I'm in control, I can manage my life and dabble in faith? What would it look like if I packed it all up and crossed the Jordan? If I chose to live my life in a way that showed that there was no back up plan, no safety net – only the Lord, how would my life look different? I don’t think I would be as selfish – as worried about my comfort or my happiness. I think my ministry would be characterized more by radical steps of faith rather than doing the things that seem to “work”. I think my relationships would be deeper, more real because I wouldn’t be so worried about how I’m perceived or who loves me. I don’t think my life would be so much about me and my needs.

That’s the life I long for, that I’d love to live….but I’m not sure how. So I find myself, standing on the edge of this Jordan – I feel like I’m gazing into the promised land, but I’m not quite sure how to get there. It seems easier to build my little city here and occasionally run into battle than move in and live in the unknown….but everything in me longs for this adventure……