On being a foreigner....

When you live in another country, life can just be hard. There have been so many amazing things that have happened since I moved to Mexico City - moments where I can't even believe the favor that God has given me in situations, but to be honest, there have also been a lot of things that have just really stunk.

It took six weeks to get into an apartment...including drama like losing a $600 deposit, getting cussed out by a slightly imbalanced landlord, having a panic attack in Costco and packing up every day for 5 days in a row thinking "today will be the day"!

One of the hardest things for me has been the loss of my independence. For a while, I couldn't do anything simple like buy a cell phone because I didn't have my FM3 visa - add to that, my lack of language - well, I feel like I always have to ask some one how to do something or to please go with me to do it. I hate that. I hate feeling like I can't "do" my job well, I hate feeling crippled and asking for help. I often feel like I've just lost my competence.

We have a major event coming our way next week. Since it takes two weeks to get internet set up when you move, we've had no email in our house. A week ago, my blackberry decided to stop getting emails. For almost a week with this major event coming my way, I've had to try to stand in the corner with my computer half out the window to "borrow" internet from a neighbor....go to Starbucks or if I need to use a US phone, try to make my way to some ones house to hope it works. It's felt very crippling. Today, my phone stopped working and we were waiting for the guy to finally hook up our internet. I felt so helpless and useless in the whole process.

Then finally, there's the relational aspect. In some ways relationships have been really fun here - more than I ever imagined. In other ways they've been painful and disappointing. I miss friends back home. I miss having a life outside my job and a church that I look forward to going to on Sundays. I miss my good friends and sometimes wonder if they've forgotten me....or if they will forget me.

So, today as I was trying to explain to the lady at the copy(in my terrible Spanish) that I wanted 15 copies, not one, I just finally admitted - living as a foreigner can be really hard. You give up your rights. You can complain all day long but it really doesn't change the fact that you still don't belong here....that ultimately you're just a visitor. I think in the US, we just get so used to getting what we want, when we want it. Life works out pretty well, even painful and hard things. Here, somehow it's different. It's not easy to be a foreigner. It's not easy to give up your rights. We keep joking by saying "we've got to get a break from this" but the reality is, we don't....I'm a visitor.

Throughout this process, I'm realizing how much I try to hold on to my rights, how much I try to manipulate my relationships for my good and how much I hold on to equating God's goodness with his blessings.

It's not easy - there are days that I'm really angry with God - that I really wonder if he's there, if he's good, if he's for me.

But other days, I feel like truth is seeping into the deepest parts of my life - that I will never be the same.

I guess it's all just another step on the journey.....

Wrong Turn

Last night I as I was coming back from Puebla with Craig and Joe, I was trying to get a little sleep after a crazy week. Getting a little sleep in the back set of a car with two guys is not the easiest thing - first, it's cold enough to open an ice cream stand in the car and second, they tend to like to play speed racer so you bounce around all over the place. I finally had dozed off to wake up in Mexico City not too far from my house. We had to turn around on a major street and as we turned the corner, I saw them - 2 prostitutes standing on the corner.

Now, I'm not a sheltered or naive person by nature, but I had never experienced the emotions that I did in that moment. As the our headlights revealed their faces, they looked so young. The deep sadness of their lives hit me. These are young women - daughters, sisters (and many probably mothers) with hopes and dreams. They were little girls who dressed up as princesses and dreamed of their knight in shinning armor coming on a white horse to sweep them away in a cloud of romance. They played with dolls and braided their hair. But there they stood on the street corners in Mexico City.....selling their bodies to earn a living.

I think it's easy for us to think of prostitutes as dirty or as those who don't deserve a better life. Maybe I've thought that before. I don't think I'll soon forget those young faces dressed up seductively to entice men. I think of Jesus....of how he ate with those women - how he gave them dignity - how he gave his life for them.

My life has been focused on the things that make me happy or comfortable lately. I've been angry that some of my dreams haven't worked out the way I hoped. As I climbed into my safe and warm bed last night, I couldn't help but remember how blessed my life really has been. I hope that some day these girls can lay their heads down experiencing the same rest.

Laurel Street

Today is my last day in New Orleans. My moving truck is parked outside my house, boxes surround me, I'm ready to pack up and leave. I took one last early morning stroll down Laurel Street to my favorite coffee shop this morning. It's early Sunday morning and Laurel street is still sleeping.

I have loved living on Laurel Street....I've walked down to Whole Foods to grab some dinner or the CC's on Magazine for a quick cup of coffee more time that I can count in the last two years I love the houses on Laurel Street - it's New Orleans architecture displayed in all it's splendor - from little shotgun houses to doubles with the detailed lattices....everything is unique and colorful.

As I was walking down Magazine Street back to my house, I remembered that day almost two years ago when I was exploring New Orleans. I remember driving past the Whole Foods on Magazine and then into Audubon park and I thought "I'd love to live here" but my logical mind quickly dismissed it, there's no way I could ever afford it. I never even lifted that to heaven as a prayer. Three months later I moved into my little house on Laurel Street - 3 blocks from Audubon Park, and 3 blocks from Magazine Street. It's exactly the area I dreamed of living in.

Now I'm packing up again and I confess, I'm struggling. I'm struggling to believe that God will be this good to me again. I'm struggling to leave everything and go to a new place - a place that is completely different. I don't want to follow the call, I want to stay behind...to stay where it's safe. And as I turned the corner to walk back to my little house, I was struck with the thought - this may be the greatest step of faith I've ever taken and I've got to believe that the same God who provided extravagantly here in New Orleans will do the same in Mexico City. I've got to walk this path with that God, not the God of my own design.

So, I'm saying goodbye to Laurel Street, to CC's coffee, to walks by the river and lazy afternoons in Audubon Park....to friends and to a job that I'm pretty competent in doing. I'm saying goodbye to all of that today. It will be a sad day. There will be many tears. But there's a new path to take and I don't know what it's going to look like but I do know the one who is leading me down the path.

Spring and Sadness

I love spring! The last few days have brought many rain showers to New Orleans so as I went out for an evening walk everything was in bloom and vividly colorful and fragrant. I think I enjoy this season so much because of the newness of life. It seems like just a few weeks ago the trees were scraggly and the park was barely occupied in the evening. Now it's teaming with people - walking, running, biking and playing games. Your mouth waters at the smell of a grill being fired up and all around you the laughter of children can be heard. Life and celebration are everywhere.

This spring is different though - there is great loss in the midst of the promise of spring. A week ago a sweet friend from my church finally lost the battle after fighting to recover from a tragic car accident a little over a month ago. Our little body is torn up with grief. Everyone feels the loss - we all feel as if we lost a member of our family.

Not only that, we said goodbye to dear friends this week. As they drove out of town they took a piece of us with them.

And I begin to think about my own departure, less than two months away.

I'm ready for the day when there will be no loss, no goodbyes....when newness and life will be around us all the time. I used to not long for heaven. I thought it would be boring - singing hallelujahs for eternity with a bunch of angels that look like very large babies. Now I understand that heaven is about newness. Everything that is good - everything that we love here will be made new: every sweet moment in a relationship, every tender word from a friend, every first taste of ice cream and cool breeze that brings the fragrance of fresh honeysuckle with it....all of those things will be perfect and surround us forever. But the most important part of heaven that is that there will be no loss, there will be no pain or disappointment. Relationship with God will be complete - relationships with each other will finally be whole - will finally be all they were meant to be.

So, it's a season of welcoming the freshness of spring, but also a season of sadness and longing for me. I'm so thankful for the glimpse of heaven around me every day!

The Next Step on the Journey

For almost a year I've known something wasn't quiet right in my job. I really believe in our mission - I believe in reaching college students....none of that has changed but after being in my job for almost five years I've realized that much of what I do isn't a good fit for me. I like to start things not grow things. I like to work on projects that move the mission forward and I like to be a part of taking a big vision and putting into action. Some one told me a few months ago that I'd probably make a good CEO.

Not long after the CEO conversation, Joe Cross offered me a job working with the Mexico Focus. I'll be honest, Mexico? Leave my beloved New Orleans for Mexico? It's not exotic, it's a place that I ever thought I would be. I even remember Craig Johring telling me that he was moving to Mexico a few years ago - I thought "good for him but there's NO WAY I'd ever do that".

As it turns out, I really need to stop having these "there's NO WAY converations" with myself. After taking the season of Lent to really seek the Lord and pray, I've accepted the job with Enfoque Mexico. I'll be serving on the leadership team working with the major events next year and doing a handful of other things. It's a totally different path than I ever thought I would walk down....but when it comes down to it I'm tremendously excited about the job - about the opportunity to work alongside men who are so full of faith and believing God to transform the world's second largest city. I'm excited to try some of these gifts that I'm discovering and walk a totally different path. I'm excited to see how the Lord will provide as I walk this path.

I move into this job with great excitement but also will leave with much mourning. New Orleans has changed my entire life. I understand the gospel in ways that I never before understood it. I understand what it means to move toward the pain.....to live in the mess. I understand that life is full of brokenness and celebration....that we are called to live in the tension. New Orleans became a part of me and it is with great sadness that I will leave. It's not just the city - it's the friendships and the community. In many ways the last two years have been a dream - great community, great team relationships, great ministry, great food, great culture. Slowing down to make the decision has allowed me to feel the pain of the loss as well as the excitement of what is to come.

So I'm sitting here in Mexico City - still not quiet believing that I'm moving here....knowing that this is going to take me way out of my comfort zone - new job, new culture, new city, new language, new team. I'm not sure where this path in Mexico will lead but I know that New Orleans was a key part of the journey to take me there.

In anticipation for eating some good cajun food and chocolate cake tonight, I decided to go on an afternoon jog today. I took my usual route around the park and then up on the levee. Sunday afternoons on the levee are an event - especially when the weather is nice. I knew it was going to be packed when I was running up the hill with the same car beside me the entire times since the traffic was moving so slowly. (On a side note, the car had its windows rolled down and they were smoking pot.... second hand pot and jogging does not make for the best combination.)

The park up on the levee was indeed packed. At first I was annoyed with everyone sitting out on the sidewalk, parking their cars too closely or crowding in but since I've been reading a book about living a contemplative life, I decided to ask the Lord to open my eyes to the life around me. Wow, what beauty I miss when I'm so focused on my own comfort and convenience. Suddenly I saw everything that I love about this city. There were the college students out on blankets studying, the old men sitting and looking at the river, the kids playing football in the grass. People with sacks of crawfish sat all along the river - sharing a meal and sharing a few stories. Some one had brought a card table and a poker game was going on in the middle of the grass. 5 or 6 horses were being unloaded from a trailer and people prepared to go for a ride. Joggers and bikers were all around. People rolled their windows down and blasted music of their choice - everything from jazz to hip-hop to country. Everywhere you looked there was life and community and people who just love to slow down and spend their Sunday afternoon together. Suddenly it went from being a crowded park to a picture of everything I love about this city. I love that we take life easy - that everything isn't about being productive but slowing down and enjoying people is a value. I love that people always find a reason to celebrate the season (it's crawfish season). I love that people can be unique - I did see a guy in a band uniform with his face painted silver riding his bike through the park.

There was no "group" that claimed the park or the day. It was full of young and old, people from wealth and people who obviously had very little. Intellectual college students and little children. I usually avoid the park on beautiful Sunday afternoons because I find the crowd annoying - but as I paused and asked God to show me the park through His eyes, a whole new picture came into view. We were created for life and for celebration - to enjoy beauty, great food, music and relationships. That levee was full of all of that this afternoon. I think I miss that because I'm so focused on life being about "getting it done" and "accomplishing the mission"....not bad things but I can miss the beauty in my drivenness.

Among so many other lessons, New Orleans has given me a chance to learn to live life. I will forever thankful for the lessons of this city

Killing the Plants

My mom gave me an African Violet when I was home over Christmas. I knew it was a mistake to take it but she swore that with this special "violet pot" there was no way I could kill it. Well, apparently you can if you don't have the right soil. So, today I replanted my almost dead African Violet....we'll see if it makes it. By some measure of insanity, while buying the potting soil and plant food, I decided to buy more plants as well. This has been a pattern in my life - I love flowers so I buy a bunch of flowers and pots and create a beautiful arrangement on my porch and then over the course of about two months I kill them! (it's a good thing I don't have a puppy - or a child for that matter).

I've been thinking a lot about "planting and growing" lately. In working in full time ministry, we talk a lot about growing - growing movements, growing disciples, growing account balances, and I've always felt that to be a good 'Campus Crusader', I needed to grow things. The longer I've tried to fit into that mold, the more I see that I'm never going to be great at growing things (any one wanna make bets on how long these flowers on my porch are going to last?). I'm a much better starter. I have a gifting that we call "apostolic" but we don't live in an environment that really understands or even knows what to do with that gift. Our norm is that people would grow things - that we would want to grow things. I do want to see things grow, I don't just plant them for no purpose, I just know that I'm not the best person to grow them.

I long for the day when we start to understand and value how our gift mixes can really work together - when we have the faith to really move forward believing that it's okay to have different roles in the body of Christ. I think we're getting there - maybe slowly - but there are too many people who would say, "something is not working" for me to believe otherwise.

In the meantime, maybe I can convince my neighbor to take care of my plants for me......