Rain and Reflection

When I was 11 or 12, I can distinctly remember one evening in the late summer at my parent's home in East Tennessee. It was one of those perfect evenings - unusual for East Tennessee in the late summer - it wasn't too hot or too humid. It was after dinner and I remember going out and sitting under a tree in the backyard. It was a significant moment of reflection for me. Twenty years later, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. It was the moment that I realized I was leaving my childhood behind, moving into a new phase of life that would be completely different, that life would never again be this simple....this sweet. As a melancholy child, I sat under the tree reflecting on that and shed a few tears. After a while I went back into the house to find my mom washing the dishes (the usual evening routine of which I was expected to be a participant). I was still deep in my thoughts and reflection when she gave me a few choice words for "sitting under a tree while the rest of us were working".

Today I'm not sitting under a tree (which is a good thing because major storms are hitting New Orleans) but I am sitting in my big black office chair by the front door watching the rain come down and reflecting on life. This ties back to that day twenty years ago. From that day, I learned that sitting and reflecting are somehow bad - that the highest value in life is work - that's what makes us significant, that's what makes us accepted. I was reading a book by Rob Bell this morning (reading a spiritual book is of course much more productive than just sitting and reflecting) and one thing he said has really shaken me up. He writes:
"I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped for a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about earning something I already have"

That hit me like a ton of bricks. This year I have been given incredible opportunities in my job, I have been given massive amounts of praise, I have been given support from every direction but when it comes down to it, if at the end of the day my life doesn't feel full and busy, I feel like a.....well like a failure. Yikes. Does this perhaps mean that I like Robb Bell spend so much of my time just working to earn what I already have?

So here I sit on a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down (and watching my street start to flood - it may be time to move the car to higher ground, those pump systems still aren't working that great in New Orleans) wondering if I really am completely loved right now as I waste a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down. There are stacks of papers sitting on my desk that I could be going through, supporters that I could write, phone calls I could make....I could continue to fill up my day with "stuff", but maybe the most important thing really is to sit here and experience a God who loves me completely even when I'm doing nothing for him. Well, that and move my car since there is a trash can floating down my street now.......

Living in the in-between

For most of the world, life doesn't revolve around semesters, conferences and summer assigments. Most of my friends get up and go to work every day this week just like they did every day last week. Not so for those of us who work in the world of college ministry. This is my 8th year working in this world. The "in-between" time is always the most difficult time of the year for me. I'd rather come home after working long hours each day to a long list of emails to return and things to check off my list than stumble through this in-between world.

Today as I was debating whether to continue to finish up a few things for my summer project or go complete some other mindless task, my friend and coworker Antonio came by to pick something up. As I opened the door he started laughing at me, "You look like me the last few days", he said, "wearing your pajamas all day and just sitting in front of the computer". It was then that I realized I must look bad because I did not actually have on my pajamas but I pretty much looked like I had just rolled out of bed. After he left, I remembered that I had some laundry to fold, so I headed back to my bedroom to discover it sitting on my unmade bed. The unmade bed reminded me that I have not taken a shower today because I always make the bed while I'm waiting for the water to warm up (it's a New Orleans old house thing). It was 1:30 in the afternoon. I gave up on being productive, shoved the cloths off the bed and settled in for a nap!

Why is it so hard to live in the in-between? I long for these times...times to have linger conversations with friends (who are all unfortunatly very busy right now). Times to sit and ponder the Word, times to spend in unhurried prayer, but when they actually come I find myself feeling useless and sleepy. I think I pack my life so full all year long so I don't have to ask the deeper questions. I don't have to wrestle with my faith, I don't have to live in the silence. Now, while everyone else is cramming for finals or hard at work at their "real world job", the silence has descended upon me. I have two choices - to find things to fill my days so I can again avoid it or seek the One longs to meet me in the in-between. To be honest, I'd much rather fill my day. Life has thrown a lot of questions at my heart lately....What are my passions? What does it mean to really experience God....to really hear His voice rather than just tell Him what He should do for me? What do the implications do the questions in my heart have on my future - what I do and how I do it? I'd so much rather run frantically from task to task than really sit and face these questions.

The in-between will not last for much longer - soon I'll be in California, my life will be full of people, full of ministry, friends and laughter. I'll talk about God a lot but I want to know that I've met God in the ways that scare me, I've met God in the in-between.