Rain and Reflection

When I was 11 or 12, I can distinctly remember one evening in the late summer at my parent's home in East Tennessee. It was one of those perfect evenings - unusual for East Tennessee in the late summer - it wasn't too hot or too humid. It was after dinner and I remember going out and sitting under a tree in the backyard. It was a significant moment of reflection for me. Twenty years later, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. It was the moment that I realized I was leaving my childhood behind, moving into a new phase of life that would be completely different, that life would never again be this simple....this sweet. As a melancholy child, I sat under the tree reflecting on that and shed a few tears. After a while I went back into the house to find my mom washing the dishes (the usual evening routine of which I was expected to be a participant). I was still deep in my thoughts and reflection when she gave me a few choice words for "sitting under a tree while the rest of us were working".

Today I'm not sitting under a tree (which is a good thing because major storms are hitting New Orleans) but I am sitting in my big black office chair by the front door watching the rain come down and reflecting on life. This ties back to that day twenty years ago. From that day, I learned that sitting and reflecting are somehow bad - that the highest value in life is work - that's what makes us significant, that's what makes us accepted. I was reading a book by Rob Bell this morning (reading a spiritual book is of course much more productive than just sitting and reflecting) and one thing he said has really shaken me up. He writes:
"I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped for a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about earning something I already have"

That hit me like a ton of bricks. This year I have been given incredible opportunities in my job, I have been given massive amounts of praise, I have been given support from every direction but when it comes down to it, if at the end of the day my life doesn't feel full and busy, I feel like a.....well like a failure. Yikes. Does this perhaps mean that I like Robb Bell spend so much of my time just working to earn what I already have?

So here I sit on a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down (and watching my street start to flood - it may be time to move the car to higher ground, those pump systems still aren't working that great in New Orleans) wondering if I really am completely loved right now as I waste a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down. There are stacks of papers sitting on my desk that I could be going through, supporters that I could write, phone calls I could make....I could continue to fill up my day with "stuff", but maybe the most important thing really is to sit here and experience a God who loves me completely even when I'm doing nothing for him. Well, that and move my car since there is a trash can floating down my street now.......