Weakness

The last few weeks have left me feeling really 'blah'. I don't know if it's been the post conference funk, weariness from a long season of ministry, or just one of those times in life when you just feel down. Whatever it is, I've not been able to snap out of it. On top of it, as I've tried to spend time with the Lord, I've felt very disconnected.

Today I decided to take a morning with the Lord. To be honest, I just didn't want to get up and face another day of emails, phone calls, setting up appointments and other administrative tasks. A 'morning with the Lord' sounded like a good thing to do to avoid all of that. As I was drinking my coffee and telling the Lord how disconnected and disappointed I've been feeling, I sensed him telling me to pull out this bible study that I started in the fall on 2 Corinthians. I started this study when our community group at church started going through the book, but I never finished the last three chapters. In community group we've been discussing those chapters in the last few weeks. They haven't really been that significant to me, so I wasn't sure where this was going. Most of it is Paul talking about the authority for his apostleship. By the end I just want to say, "okay I get it, you went through some terrible stuff!" Today as I was reading through chapter 12, something really struck me.

Basically, Paul has been given this thorn in his flesh...he asks the Lord to take it away and the answer is "no" - more to the point he is told, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Something about that struck me today. I walk around trying to cover up and hide my weakness - I like to look like I have it all together. I fear failing, I fear that I will be a disappointment to the people I love and to God. There are things in my life that I constantly struggle with and pray that God would deliver me from. I don't think I 'm the only one. It seems like in the Christian community weakness is bad. We always talk about our strengths and our "areas to grow in" like saying the word weakness would indicate that we have some sort of fatal flaw. We show the world the good life that Christ offers while we quietly struggle in the privacy of our own lives. I think I often try to sell others a Christianity that I cannot live myself and that isn't real. Sometimes there is amazing victory over my weaknesses, but often I still struggle with the same things day after day. I find myself wondering - "does Christ really make a difference. That's why today when I read these words - "My GRACE if sufficient for you", I had to pause. I had to ask, what does this mean?

I can define grace - I learned the definition long ago when I learned to share the gospel booklet - an undeserved gift, or "God's Riches At Christ's Expense" (since we really do like acronyms so much in the christian world). I've always associated it with the gift of salvation - we get a gift we don't deserve. But now I find myself wondering - what does that mean for me today, in my weakness, in the funk and in the grossness of life and sin, what does it mean that God's grace is sufficient? Does it mean that my life isn't about being perfect and fixing my weaknesses but it's about the power of God being demonstrated through them? Does it mean that grace isn't a one-time gift but a gift I receive every moment of every day? Does it mean that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be some one for others rather then allowing God to be who he is through me? I feel like if I understood this, it would be a breakthrough for my life and ministry. I'd love to invite others to give me any thoughts and feedback on this....