Rest

I've worked in Christian ministry for almost 9 years now. In our organization, we are allowed to set aside one day a month for a "day with the Lord". I've never really understood the point of a "day with the Lord"....it has always just seemed like a waste of a day to be honest. I either feel this incredible pressure to accomplish something super-spiritual that day or I'm incredibly distracted by all of the things that I am not doing because I'm taking a "day with the Lord". My whole perspective changed on Thursday.

Okay, I'll be honest, it started because I joined a gym and I had an appointment with a trainer scheduled for Thursday morning so I thought - "why not take the day off"? Then even better - "take a day with the Lord". Ironically the appointment with the trainer got rescheduled and I proceeded with my day with the Lord.

I feel like for the last 5 weeks I've been one of those little rats on a treadmill....I'm running as hard as I can, doing as much as I can but I have no idea where I'm going or how to get off. On Monday I had a major meltdown over some lost keys. Tuesday was a great trip to Lafayette, LA but at the end of the day I wasn't sure I would make it to Thursday. On Wednesday I made a commitment to my team that I was going to "unplug" for the day - turn off my cell phone and my computer! So Wednesday night, I took off my watch, shut down the computer and put away the cell phone. The next day I slept until 11:00 - I couldn't believe it! I haven't slept until 11:00 on a Thursday.....well - ever. I barely sleep until 8:00 on a Saturday.

So at 11:00 I rolled out of bed, made my coffee and plopped down on my couch. The only desire I had for the day was to meet with the Lord. The next four hours flew by - I couldn't believe it. I started to again experience the Lord's pleasure in me - not in my activity but in me as a beloved daughter. The Bible came alive - prayer was easy....it naturally and passionately flowed. At the end of the day I felt refreshed and focused - ready to live mission, not do ministry!

Even now, two days later I feel so much more centered on God. I think this is what Jesus means when he says, "Come to me all who are weary and heavy-laden and I will give you rest for your souls.".

This is my official admonition to everyone who claims to be a follower of Christ - who wants their life to be an influence - take a day.....take a week if you need it! (Just don't tell HR that I've been skipping my days with the Lord).

Blessed are the Poor in Spirit

At my church we are doing a three week sermon series on the poor in spirit from Matthew 5. I've always read the beatitudes and thought - "I don't really get this". I'm a 'how to' kind of gal - I want you to tell me how to do something and I never understood how to be "poor in spirit". This spring I started studying Matthew and discovered that Jesus was really turning life upside down when he said these words. He was speaking to an audience that would have been very proud of their religious traditions - who lived in relative comfort and security. They were tempted to think their efforts made them great. Jesus turned that on it's head when he said that it's not those who are powerful but who are poor in spirit who are blessed (which is a happiness that comes from God's favor, not circumstances).

So my pastor mentioned that we are a poor in spirit church - we're weak, we're small. In all of our denomination we're not thought of as great - after years and years we are still a mission church rather than a self-supporting church.....yet this poor and weak church understands one thing - we understand how much we need God. We recognize that it's not our programs, our presentations or our talents that are creating life change - but a rag-tag band of followers living out of great need.

I've found more community and life here than in any church in which I've taken part over the years. As I thought about what Ray had to say about our church, I had to agree. I invite people into our community because we are real people, with real struggles who really need God. I want others to experience that life...the life that comes by entering one another's pain and struggles not to fix them, but to walk through them together.

This led me to my bike ride home from campus today. Whenever I go to Tulane, I find myself not wanting to be poor in spirit but wanting to be powerful and impressive. I want our ministry to grow and to thrive there. I want us to be more organized - to have it more together. I was riding home and thinking why I want that - really it's to build me up....to validate what I do - to grow my own reputation.....to build my own kingdom. I was thinking how delighted God would be to take this little band of followers at Tulane and use them to build his kingdom. It may not be with slick programs or with well-planned gatherings. It may be by bringing together real people with real struggles who understand how desperate they are for God to show up - how poor in spirit they really are. That actually sounds like a movement that I (the real me, the me that knows how helpless and broken I am) would want to be a part of - a place that I could find life.

So my new prayer for our students is not that they would have it all together or be able to do great things but that they would understand how desperatly they need the Lord. That they would live as the poor in spirit.

Mission verses Ministry

I've been thinking a lot about Mission verses Ministry this week. Last Sunday at church my pastor made a comment that I've been pondering all week. He said that the best place to recover from the exhaustion is to live in the mission. I wrote that down and then immediately wrote beside it - "how do you do that?".

I've served in ministry for 8 years now and with increasing frequency I find myself wanting to do anything else. It's a battle that I fight with myself. I love to see people's lives changed - to get to have an impact on them. At the same time, I feel worn out and like there's no season of rest that's adequate. So, when Ray made that statement it caused me to stop. At first I was skeptical - thinking, "he's an extreme people person....the ministry energizes him". Then I thought, "he doesn't do college ministry and travel 4 months out of the year so it's much easier for him to make that statement". Finally I decided that he was plain nuts and didn't know what he was talking about. (If you'd have seen Ray at Mardi Gras or even at breakfast this morning you might tend to agree with me).

However, the statement has come back to my mind again and again this week. I was talking to my friend Joe about Alan Hirch's book, "The Forgotten Ways" on Monday. Joe asked me what I liked about the book and I had forgotten (ironic considering the title). I grabbed my book and flipped it open. It landed on a page that talked about some of the problems of churches today. One was that they are ministry, not mission focused. As I saw these words, something clicked in my mind. I began to wonder....is the reason I'm so exhausted because I am living in ministry, not mission?

I remember going down to Mexico City in the spring - it was so freeing to do ministry there. Everyday I felt like we went out to see how the mission would be lived out that day. I've felt like that a few times as we've gotten started this fall (in-between phone appointments and paperwork). I think that my problem is I don't really live the mission (to bring the love of Christ to a hurting world - or the way we say it within Crusade to create movements everywhere so that everyone knows some one who truly follows Christ). That mission compels me - it excites me and it is indeed a place of rest. It doesn't leave me feeling under the pile or pressured - I feel free to open my eyes to what God is doing and be part of it. Somehow, I get that confused with ministry (a way to live out the mission). Ministry becomes the center - getting my "to-do" list accomplished...even if that means I can't get to campus or I don't have time to engage in the lives of other people. Making sure we have the best plans to reach our goal (I'm not against planning - it just seems like we talk a little about mission and a lot about how to do the ministry). My favorite one is creating meetings so we can solve the problems of the ministry. Some how the problems seem to grow and my desire to see the mission accomplished seems to fade.

So I've decided that Ray is probably not crazy after all (at least on this topic). That the mission is what energized me.....it's what I can live out in the midst of any circumstance of life. Now my challenge is how to live for the mission not the ministry. When I live for the ministry, I start to demand a "normal" life. I want my rights. I want the right to live in a safe place, to be cool when I want to be cool, to sleep when I want to sleep, to not have to give too sacrificially of my time or resources, and to get to move to the place I want to live and have all the comforts of life but at the same time call myself a radical disciple of Christ. When I live the mission, nothing is too great a sacrifice in light of the sacrifice that Christ has made for me.

So the challenge is to live in the mission - to find rest in the mission. It's not an easy place to be. I'm better at ministry because I can control that. But the mission brings me to life! Maybe that's one of the reason's Christ said, "I have come that they might have life and have it abundantly".

The Journey of Katrina

There's been a lot to ponder in the last few days here in New Orleans. This is a crazy city and it has completely changed everything about the way I view ministry and God. It's been an unexpected journey, but none the less a journey that has so shaped me I cannot imagine what my life would have been like if I had not walked its path. It's strange to think that for the rest of my life, Hurricane Katrina will not be something that happened in a city somewhere in my country. It will not be something I only remembered on occasion, but it will a part of who I am. As my friend pointed out, for those of us who have been a part of this city (and me less than those who actually lived through the actual hurricane), our lives will be forever marked by "before Katrina and after Katrina".

Today is the 2 year anniversary of Katrina - I went to a noon prayer at my church. I watched friends who lived here their whole lives weep at how difficult the last two years have been - people whose homes are rebuilt - who have education and means. I looked around and saw how tired everyone in the room seemed to be. There is a weariness that comes with living here. Yesterday as I left for campus, the thought crossed my mind - I'm just so tired of this constant battle. That's what an outsider who has moved here and who loves city feels so I can only imagine those who lived through the devastation. As I've watched people's stories on the news today I've wondered, "when will this end"?

I think that most of America is tired of hearing about New Orleans - about Katrina. We're just this sad city that's spinning out of control. Major magazines have questioned if New Orleans is worth saving. I can understand the question....when you are coming from a completely scientific point of view it seems ludicrous to save this city. But science can't measure the heart. It can't calculate the stories of people who have lived here for generations - the musicians, the Mardi Gras Indians, the Krews, the families, the stories. There is something about New Orleans that gets into the very fiber of your being - it becomes not just a place to live, but a part of who you are. I say this after living here only a year. I can only imagine how those who trace their roots all the way back hundreds of years must feel.

There is weariness - and hope is very frail these days. So many have been fighting battles for so long. It seems like it will never end and everyone still wants to point fingers at who is to blame rather than take responsibility and move forward. (Today I was seriously disappointed in both Nagin - for continuing to point fingers with no real plan and with Bush - for making a PR visit with no real plan.)It's been two years - will it ever really be okay again? This city needs the gospel. The truth that Christ redeems people and places. That He will indeed make all things new. The life and the hope that believers and the true church (rather than religion) can bring.

This journey has shaped me so much because for the first time in my Christian life I understand at a deep level my great need for the gospel. I need it when I don't safe walking home at night - I need it when I already feel exhausted first thing in the morning on my way to campus. I need it when I wait in long lines and when I see the despair in the lives around me. I also need the church - the body of believers who in tangible (but not perfect) ways demonstrate the love of Christ. In American Christianity we tend to have the "me and God" attitude. Be the strong one - be the one who is in control - just "me and God", that's all I need. Living life that way is no longer an option. Just as I need the gospel, I need the church. This needy city has shown me quiet a bit about my own need and that has become my unforgettable journey of Katrina.

The Wedding Thief

"Has anyone seen my purse?"

I felt like I asked that question a thousand times - each time I felt a little more panicked than the last time I had asked. In my purse were my wallet with all my credit cards, my Treo with all my contacts, and my camera. No one had seen it but everyone was sure it would turn up in the morning.

After a very full summer, I went to Northern Alabama this past weekend to celebrate the wedding of some good friends from New Orleans - Doug and Toy. It was amazing to celebrate their lives and love that night. Out of about 700 people there were probably about 70 of us from New Orleans, but you could tell that we brought the spirit of New Orleans with us - we were the first ones on the dance floor and the last ones to leave! Doug and Toy's wedding was such a beautiful picture of love and celebration but it ended with my purse being stolen. By 11:00 am the next day we had confirmed that almost $1000 had been purchased on my credit cards.

Honestly, it felt like a kick in the gut after such a long and challenging summer. We got home around 8:00pm Sunday night and I knew that I needed to be on campus first thing Monday morning to kick off the semester and tell students about having a relationship with God. How on earth was I going to do that? God met me in such a tangible way on Monday morning.

It was one of those mornings that I could barely open up the Word so I read a devotional book. Through a series of passages I ended up in Hosea 6:1-3

Come let us return to the Lord
He has torn us to pieces
Now He will heal us
He has injured us
Now He will bandage our wounds
In just a short time He will restore us,
So that we may live in His presence
Oh, that we might know the Lord!
Let us press on to know Him
He will respond to us as surely as the arrival of the dawn
or the coming of rains in early spring.


All of the verses that I had read up until this point also held the theme of brokenness and healing. I couldn't help but think of the brokenness that had touched my world over the weekend - the effects of sin that led some one to the place where they steal in the midst of a great celebration. Reading that passage made me realize how broken I have been in life - how much I need the healing hand of the Lord - and how much He longs to meet me.....that His healing is active, it is sure, it seeks me out!

As I drove to Delgado Community College, I noticed that a lot of work had been done on familiar streets. Three months earlier on the same drive I saw many abandoned homes with their overgrown lawns and leftover paint marks from the days after the hurricane...now those streets seemed neat and clean again. Delgado was teaming with students - there seemed to be more life than I'd ever experienced in the campus. At the same time, I think the events of the weekend and my time meditating on healing gave me a new perspective on what I was doing. Our mission isn't about launching movements - it's about getting to those students that are hurting - that are at the place where they feel "torn to pieces" with no hope for healing". Two students came by our table who really touched my heart. One guy's name was Steven and he stopped by when he saw we were a Christian organization. He was just back from Iraq where he had watched his whole unit die and then was shot in the back by a 9 year old kid. The pain was all over his face. Later, Jon stopped by. Jon was diagnosed with cancer earlier this summer. When that happened, he started to wonder about eternity. He wanted a safe place to explore...he's been getting sermons from Youtube.

Usually when I go on campus, I'm looking for leaders....but that day God opened my eyes to the broken.....and reminded me that we are broken - that we all need His healing. When Steven and Jon came by our table, I knew that God longed to heal them just as He has healed me in so many ways. It was a great way to start the semester!

Rain and Reflection

When I was 11 or 12, I can distinctly remember one evening in the late summer at my parent's home in East Tennessee. It was one of those perfect evenings - unusual for East Tennessee in the late summer - it wasn't too hot or too humid. It was after dinner and I remember going out and sitting under a tree in the backyard. It was a significant moment of reflection for me. Twenty years later, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. It was the moment that I realized I was leaving my childhood behind, moving into a new phase of life that would be completely different, that life would never again be this simple....this sweet. As a melancholy child, I sat under the tree reflecting on that and shed a few tears. After a while I went back into the house to find my mom washing the dishes (the usual evening routine of which I was expected to be a participant). I was still deep in my thoughts and reflection when she gave me a few choice words for "sitting under a tree while the rest of us were working".

Today I'm not sitting under a tree (which is a good thing because major storms are hitting New Orleans) but I am sitting in my big black office chair by the front door watching the rain come down and reflecting on life. This ties back to that day twenty years ago. From that day, I learned that sitting and reflecting are somehow bad - that the highest value in life is work - that's what makes us significant, that's what makes us accepted. I was reading a book by Rob Bell this morning (reading a spiritual book is of course much more productive than just sitting and reflecting) and one thing he said has really shaken me up. He writes:
"I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped for a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about earning something I already have"

That hit me like a ton of bricks. This year I have been given incredible opportunities in my job, I have been given massive amounts of praise, I have been given support from every direction but when it comes down to it, if at the end of the day my life doesn't feel full and busy, I feel like a.....well like a failure. Yikes. Does this perhaps mean that I like Robb Bell spend so much of my time just working to earn what I already have?

So here I sit on a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down (and watching my street start to flood - it may be time to move the car to higher ground, those pump systems still aren't working that great in New Orleans) wondering if I really am completely loved right now as I waste a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down. There are stacks of papers sitting on my desk that I could be going through, supporters that I could write, phone calls I could make....I could continue to fill up my day with "stuff", but maybe the most important thing really is to sit here and experience a God who loves me completely even when I'm doing nothing for him. Well, that and move my car since there is a trash can floating down my street now.......

Living in the in-between

For most of the world, life doesn't revolve around semesters, conferences and summer assigments. Most of my friends get up and go to work every day this week just like they did every day last week. Not so for those of us who work in the world of college ministry. This is my 8th year working in this world. The "in-between" time is always the most difficult time of the year for me. I'd rather come home after working long hours each day to a long list of emails to return and things to check off my list than stumble through this in-between world.

Today as I was debating whether to continue to finish up a few things for my summer project or go complete some other mindless task, my friend and coworker Antonio came by to pick something up. As I opened the door he started laughing at me, "You look like me the last few days", he said, "wearing your pajamas all day and just sitting in front of the computer". It was then that I realized I must look bad because I did not actually have on my pajamas but I pretty much looked like I had just rolled out of bed. After he left, I remembered that I had some laundry to fold, so I headed back to my bedroom to discover it sitting on my unmade bed. The unmade bed reminded me that I have not taken a shower today because I always make the bed while I'm waiting for the water to warm up (it's a New Orleans old house thing). It was 1:30 in the afternoon. I gave up on being productive, shoved the cloths off the bed and settled in for a nap!

Why is it so hard to live in the in-between? I long for these times...times to have linger conversations with friends (who are all unfortunatly very busy right now). Times to sit and ponder the Word, times to spend in unhurried prayer, but when they actually come I find myself feeling useless and sleepy. I think I pack my life so full all year long so I don't have to ask the deeper questions. I don't have to wrestle with my faith, I don't have to live in the silence. Now, while everyone else is cramming for finals or hard at work at their "real world job", the silence has descended upon me. I have two choices - to find things to fill my days so I can again avoid it or seek the One longs to meet me in the in-between. To be honest, I'd much rather fill my day. Life has thrown a lot of questions at my heart lately....What are my passions? What does it mean to really experience God....to really hear His voice rather than just tell Him what He should do for me? What do the implications do the questions in my heart have on my future - what I do and how I do it? I'd so much rather run frantically from task to task than really sit and face these questions.

The in-between will not last for much longer - soon I'll be in California, my life will be full of people, full of ministry, friends and laughter. I'll talk about God a lot but I want to know that I've met God in the ways that scare me, I've met God in the in-between.