Rain and Reflection

When I was 11 or 12, I can distinctly remember one evening in the late summer at my parent's home in East Tennessee. It was one of those perfect evenings - unusual for East Tennessee in the late summer - it wasn't too hot or too humid. It was after dinner and I remember going out and sitting under a tree in the backyard. It was a significant moment of reflection for me. Twenty years later, I can still remember it like it was yesterday. It was the moment that I realized I was leaving my childhood behind, moving into a new phase of life that would be completely different, that life would never again be this simple....this sweet. As a melancholy child, I sat under the tree reflecting on that and shed a few tears. After a while I went back into the house to find my mom washing the dishes (the usual evening routine of which I was expected to be a participant). I was still deep in my thoughts and reflection when she gave me a few choice words for "sitting under a tree while the rest of us were working".

Today I'm not sitting under a tree (which is a good thing because major storms are hitting New Orleans) but I am sitting in my big black office chair by the front door watching the rain come down and reflecting on life. This ties back to that day twenty years ago. From that day, I learned that sitting and reflecting are somehow bad - that the highest value in life is work - that's what makes us significant, that's what makes us accepted. I was reading a book by Rob Bell this morning (reading a spiritual book is of course much more productive than just sitting and reflecting) and one thing he said has really shaken me up. He writes:
"I realized that my life was all about keeping the adrenaline buzz going and that I was only really happy when I was going all the time. When I stopped for a day to remember that I am loved just because I exist, I found out how much of my efforts were about earning something I already have"

That hit me like a ton of bricks. This year I have been given incredible opportunities in my job, I have been given massive amounts of praise, I have been given support from every direction but when it comes down to it, if at the end of the day my life doesn't feel full and busy, I feel like a.....well like a failure. Yikes. Does this perhaps mean that I like Robb Bell spend so much of my time just working to earn what I already have?

So here I sit on a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down (and watching my street start to flood - it may be time to move the car to higher ground, those pump systems still aren't working that great in New Orleans) wondering if I really am completely loved right now as I waste a Friday afternoon watching the rain come down. There are stacks of papers sitting on my desk that I could be going through, supporters that I could write, phone calls I could make....I could continue to fill up my day with "stuff", but maybe the most important thing really is to sit here and experience a God who loves me completely even when I'm doing nothing for him. Well, that and move my car since there is a trash can floating down my street now.......

Living in the in-between

For most of the world, life doesn't revolve around semesters, conferences and summer assigments. Most of my friends get up and go to work every day this week just like they did every day last week. Not so for those of us who work in the world of college ministry. This is my 8th year working in this world. The "in-between" time is always the most difficult time of the year for me. I'd rather come home after working long hours each day to a long list of emails to return and things to check off my list than stumble through this in-between world.

Today as I was debating whether to continue to finish up a few things for my summer project or go complete some other mindless task, my friend and coworker Antonio came by to pick something up. As I opened the door he started laughing at me, "You look like me the last few days", he said, "wearing your pajamas all day and just sitting in front of the computer". It was then that I realized I must look bad because I did not actually have on my pajamas but I pretty much looked like I had just rolled out of bed. After he left, I remembered that I had some laundry to fold, so I headed back to my bedroom to discover it sitting on my unmade bed. The unmade bed reminded me that I have not taken a shower today because I always make the bed while I'm waiting for the water to warm up (it's a New Orleans old house thing). It was 1:30 in the afternoon. I gave up on being productive, shoved the cloths off the bed and settled in for a nap!

Why is it so hard to live in the in-between? I long for these times...times to have linger conversations with friends (who are all unfortunatly very busy right now). Times to sit and ponder the Word, times to spend in unhurried prayer, but when they actually come I find myself feeling useless and sleepy. I think I pack my life so full all year long so I don't have to ask the deeper questions. I don't have to wrestle with my faith, I don't have to live in the silence. Now, while everyone else is cramming for finals or hard at work at their "real world job", the silence has descended upon me. I have two choices - to find things to fill my days so I can again avoid it or seek the One longs to meet me in the in-between. To be honest, I'd much rather fill my day. Life has thrown a lot of questions at my heart lately....What are my passions? What does it mean to really experience God....to really hear His voice rather than just tell Him what He should do for me? What do the implications do the questions in my heart have on my future - what I do and how I do it? I'd so much rather run frantically from task to task than really sit and face these questions.

The in-between will not last for much longer - soon I'll be in California, my life will be full of people, full of ministry, friends and laughter. I'll talk about God a lot but I want to know that I've met God in the ways that scare me, I've met God in the in-between.

Weakness

The last few weeks have left me feeling really 'blah'. I don't know if it's been the post conference funk, weariness from a long season of ministry, or just one of those times in life when you just feel down. Whatever it is, I've not been able to snap out of it. On top of it, as I've tried to spend time with the Lord, I've felt very disconnected.

Today I decided to take a morning with the Lord. To be honest, I just didn't want to get up and face another day of emails, phone calls, setting up appointments and other administrative tasks. A 'morning with the Lord' sounded like a good thing to do to avoid all of that. As I was drinking my coffee and telling the Lord how disconnected and disappointed I've been feeling, I sensed him telling me to pull out this bible study that I started in the fall on 2 Corinthians. I started this study when our community group at church started going through the book, but I never finished the last three chapters. In community group we've been discussing those chapters in the last few weeks. They haven't really been that significant to me, so I wasn't sure where this was going. Most of it is Paul talking about the authority for his apostleship. By the end I just want to say, "okay I get it, you went through some terrible stuff!" Today as I was reading through chapter 12, something really struck me.

Basically, Paul has been given this thorn in his flesh...he asks the Lord to take it away and the answer is "no" - more to the point he is told, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness'. Something about that struck me today. I walk around trying to cover up and hide my weakness - I like to look like I have it all together. I fear failing, I fear that I will be a disappointment to the people I love and to God. There are things in my life that I constantly struggle with and pray that God would deliver me from. I don't think I 'm the only one. It seems like in the Christian community weakness is bad. We always talk about our strengths and our "areas to grow in" like saying the word weakness would indicate that we have some sort of fatal flaw. We show the world the good life that Christ offers while we quietly struggle in the privacy of our own lives. I think I often try to sell others a Christianity that I cannot live myself and that isn't real. Sometimes there is amazing victory over my weaknesses, but often I still struggle with the same things day after day. I find myself wondering - "does Christ really make a difference. That's why today when I read these words - "My GRACE if sufficient for you", I had to pause. I had to ask, what does this mean?

I can define grace - I learned the definition long ago when I learned to share the gospel booklet - an undeserved gift, or "God's Riches At Christ's Expense" (since we really do like acronyms so much in the christian world). I've always associated it with the gift of salvation - we get a gift we don't deserve. But now I find myself wondering - what does that mean for me today, in my weakness, in the funk and in the grossness of life and sin, what does it mean that God's grace is sufficient? Does it mean that my life isn't about being perfect and fixing my weaknesses but it's about the power of God being demonstrated through them? Does it mean that grace isn't a one-time gift but a gift I receive every moment of every day? Does it mean that I put a lot of pressure on myself to be some one for others rather then allowing God to be who he is through me? I feel like if I understood this, it would be a breakthrough for my life and ministry. I'd love to invite others to give me any thoughts and feedback on this....

Redeeming a City

Today I participated in the Crescent City Classic - the most attended and most known race in New Orleans. I say participated because even though I had good intentions of running the race, after a month of visitors, spring break, regional visits and planning, I was wiped out. It was all I could do to walk the 6 miles.

Lately I've been feeling the New Orleans "funk". It's this feeling you get when you've not had a break from the city for weeks on end. No matter how much you love this city, it's still a hurricane devastated old city and you need a break every once in a while. My last exodus from the city was in February. March was a full month and an exciting month but at the end of it I felt worn out and very down. It was funny how participating in a race reminded me of how much I have grown to love this city.

The race started down in the French Quarter. Twenty thousand people lined up to run and walk. Many people were in costume (of course they were, it's New Orleans). I ended up doing the race with my friend Melanie. It was fun to walk through some of the beautiful neighborhoods of New Orleans and talk about life and the gospel.

I've watched this crazy phenomenon in New Orleans. American Christianity was divided right after the storm - some believed that God was judging the city and some believed that God was going to open the door to missionaries who would "save" the city. I was in the second camp, but now I even realize how self-righteous and self-focused that attitude was. By God's grace, I've fallen in the love with this city. I no longer want to "save" it, I want to be a part of the redemptive thread that God is weaving in the city of New Orleans. All around me there is pain and suffering. I am no longer an outsider to that. I am sad when I see the pain of my neighbors (not the neighbors who necessarily live on my block, but the neighbors as Jesus described them). I am convicted at my lack of action, my commitment to my own comfort rather than to serving those around me. I am in love with the city - I walk down the street and I am thankful I live here. I love the history, I love the culture of celebration, I love the people and the food (well, not the crawfish). I love that I see the good in this city along with the bad. It's interesting to see what God is doing in this city - it seems that he's bringing a new kind of missionary to the city....not some one who is here to change the culture, but to embrace all that Christ would embrace in the culture and be a light to the city through loving the city.

I don't know what I used to think about New Orleans.....probably that it was a hopeless city, a place that God didn't really care much about. I must say, living in New Orleans has given me a greater picture of the celebration that awaits us in heaven. I cannot help but believe that God is crazy about this city - that he desires to redeem it! I really believe that God is using the devastation of Katrina in a way that most of Christianity never dreamed would be possible. All around me, I meet Christians who have moved to New Orleans and have fallen in love with this city - they love the being part of the culture, the life and the pain of the city. It seems that God has put his heart in their hearts! We're not here to "save" a city, we're here to live the gospel.

It seems like in Christianity we sometimes focus so much on 'getting saved' and living for heaven that we miss the in between. I am thankful to be brought to a place where I daily see the tension of reality and hope. I believe that living in New Orleans has taught me more about the heart of God than any place I've ever lived. New Orleans is changing and shaping me more than I am changing and shaping it.

Friends who Challenge Me!

A few weeks ago I went down to Mexico City to visit our brand new partnership. I met my friend Craig several years ago at a conference in Beverly Hills. I remember being kind of upset that I got stuck in the distance ministry group (it didn’t sound quiet as glamorous as the groups that were reaching the cities). We sat down at the table and this guy from Nebraska started to share. I have to confess, I didn’t even know where Nebraska was – the only images I had of Nebraska were very large football players (I watched them beat my beloved Vols in the Orange Bowl) and corn. I almost started to tune out this guy from Nebraska, until I realized that he was seeing some incredible things happen up in that corn state. From then on out, I became his groupie. I would email him asking him for advice on things and follow him around at conferences. Eventually we started to become friends. When our partnership became Mexico City, I became facebook friends with Joe Cross – the other city director. He seemed to be pretty young to be leading such a large scope and in my opinion he was too much of a fan of the word “awesome”.

On Fat Tuesday, we loaded up on a plane and headed to Mexico City. That night our team had dinner with Joe and Craig, I immediately knew I was with men who would challenge my thinking and my faith. That week ended up being an incredible week of talking about challenges, dreaming about what could be and just laughing a whole lot.

After I returned from Mexico, I realized that there are two things I really admire about both of those guys. The first thing is their faith that moves them to action. There are over 700 college campuses in Mexico City and well over a million college students, but I am convinced that Joe and Craig really believe that God can reach that city. It’s evident in the way they live, in the way they show up on campus, in the way they coach the stint team and in the way they look for creative solutions to the challenges of the city. They kept saying, “I really believe in divine appointments" or "I really believe that God is going to show up today”. It was exciting to be around such men of faith and it challenged me to take a deep look at my own life. What do I believe God for? Am I simply satisfied with the amazing things he’s done in New Orleans (and they have been amazing) or do I constantly believe him for more? Do I go on campus expecting God to show up and create divine appointments or do I just go about my day, doing the things I need to do? Am I just sitting around solving organizational problems, or am I engaged in the mission of reaching every student? Even though I love new things and new challenges, I think I get stuck in this attitude that says, “well, it’s March, we don’t try to start ministry in March, we just sustain what we have.” I have a feeling that Craig and Joe will be walking on campus believing God to do something until the day they leave Mexico City.

The second thing that I admire about these guys is that their lives seem to be defined by what they give, not by what they get. I wasn’t around Joe as much, but from the stories I heard him tell, he is a giver. I was really impressed with Craig. On the last day we were in Mexico City, we went to visit him at his apartment. His neighbors were out in the street talking to him. They invited us into their home. It was obvious that this was a place where Craig was loved. I watched as he engaged with the family, as he cared for the sick grandmother and as he laughed hysterically at their banter. Later in the day we had to drop back by his apartment to pick something up. The neighborhood kids immediately surrounded his car. He didn’t just rush into his place to grab what he needed. He listened, he cared for them and they couldn’t get enough of him. I remember sitting in the car thinking, “he’s making an impact on the lives of these kids”. Again, this challenged me. Who do I make an impact on outside of my “ministry” to college students? I think I look at people based on what they can do for me, how they can be “used” to advance God’s kingdom. Wow, even when I write it down I realize how ugly that seems and how far from the heart of God I’ve strayed.

Last week I was spending some time processing through some of the things that I’m currently dissatisfied with in ministry. I could probably feel this with any ministry I would work with – sometimes it feels like all I do is solve problems and come up with plans (which ironically create more problems). I was asking Craig some questions via email and just throw
ing my thoughts out there – I think I ended one of my emails saying, “I’m just ready to leave it all” or something like that. His immediate response was “Don’t leave….let’s go reach the world”. I couldn’t stop thinking about that. There’s something in the way he lives and ministers that really makes me think we can really do it, we can really reach the world. I want to live more like that. I want my job to not just be about ministry, but life to be about giving because God has given me so much to give. He gave me his son and he put his spirit within me to live his life through me. How can I give him any less than all of me?

I’m thankful for the people who God puts into my life to challenge me. (Even the ones from the corn state and the ones who really like the word awesome). These men are only two in a long list of people that God has used to sharpen me. If I were only around people like me, I know I would be satisfied with a small, self-centered life. My friends challenge me to embrace all God has for me.

Last night I had a really incredible experience. We had a student leader's crawfish boil - the crawfish part was not the incredible experience, personally I thought that was a little creepy but all of my Louisiana friends seem to think it's the thing to do! After all of the little critters were consumed, we spent some time talking about the fall semester and then in prayer. My friend Truman led the prayer time. Truman has really been learning a lot about listening to God in prayer, so he led us through a time where we listened. I have to admit, I felt uncomfortable. It wasn't the awkward pauses or the occasional sniffle that made me feel uncomfortable, it was my own fear - I really want to hear God in prayer, but what if he doesn't show up? What if I can't hear his voice or he doesn't have anything to say to me? All of those thoughts were swirling around in my head every time I paused to listen. I did feel like the Lord was saying a few things to me - one thing in particular when Truman asked us to ask God to bring to mind a friend and then to pray for them. I was really convicted of a relationship in my life that is not as it should be right now....but I kept thinking, is this just from me or is it from the Lord? I went back and forth, asking that question until we had our sharing time....

One of our students, Willy, shared that the person God put on his heart was his brother....with deep emotion he told that he's scarred to share with his brother, scarred of the rejection he may face. It was very touching. As soon as he finished sharing another girl excitedly burst out, "the person that God on my heart was Willy! I didn't know why but now it makes sense!". So we started to pray for Willy and his brother. This gal opened us in prayer. One of the things she prayed was, "Lord, open the eyes of his heart". Well then Truman prayed and he revealed that in his time of listening God had impressed him with the song "Open the eyes of my heart". It was an amazing experience! God was doing something in our group to show Willy that he was taking care of him, loving his brother more than any of us ever could. It was a divine moment.

I immediately left went home to contact the friend who I needed to make things right with - delayed obedience is disobedience - that was Truman's closing line.

I've been thinking about last night all day....about how God is orchestrating all of our lives. About how he connects us in a community - he does things that causes us to be in each other's lives - our prayers were intertwined last night not because of what we were saying, but because of what we were hearing from the Lord. I need to be a better listener, it's my pride, my fear, my business and my selfishness that keep me from listening. It's my lack of willingness to radically obey, to step out in faith even when things don't make sense. My great desire is that I really would make space in my life for the divine. That really would invite him into every moment of every day believing that he will show up, that he has something greater for me than the life I try to so desperately to control.

In the 8 years that I've worked for this organization, I've never had a time of prayer where we listened to God. Don't get me wrong, I know that the men and women in our organization love God and really seek him. Lately it feels like all we do is try to solve problems and we're not succeeding. The time of prayer made me begin to wonder, "do we just start at the wrong place?" We are a competent group of people, we can "do" ministry - we have great stradegies, but are these stradegies going to be enough? I don't think so. I wonder what would happen if we paused to listen to God - to really find out where he is leading us. I have to first look to my own ministry in this. I spend a lot of time telling God what I would like to see happen - giving him my definition of success. I wonder if he has something greater for me and I miss it because I'm not listening. To see how clearly he was at work in 40 minutes in our time of listening to him, makes me wonder what my ministry would look like day to day if I took that time. I really believe I might start to see those things that only God can do happen here in New Orleans. I want that! I want all that God has for us as a ministry.

I just got home from saying goodbye to one of our relief interns. He is in the reserves and his unit was called up to Iraq. We stuffed ourselves with great Chinese food and a suprisingly good cake decorated with a flag from Winn-Dixie. It was a time to honor and pray for Mike. I've really enjoyed having Mike in New Orleans, there are neat things I see in his life, in his response to going to war and in his character that I admire. He's a great guy but I didn't have any deep, bonding moments with Mike this past year. Yet still as I sat on the floor in the living room of the house and prayed for him, I couldn't help but weep. Here's another young man whose life will be touched by the ugliness of war. I said my goodbye and walked out the door of their house thinking "this is not the way life should be". As I turned the corner, I saw the paint on the house - a visual reminder of the water line that was at least 6 feet high after Katrina. I looked around a neighborhood that was obviously struggling - with piles of trash in the street and kids who were dealing drugs huddled on their porches. I started thinking about a conversation that our team had earlier that day. Chip, from our national team, was talking about the Kingdom of God. Jesus said, "the Kingdom of God is at hand". He ushered in the Kingdom, but we still don't live in the fulness of the Kingdom - that will only happen someday when Christ comes again. To think that the Kingdom of God is now and is also not yet is such a difficult tension.

Earlier today I was on the Riverwalk. I was listening to my ipod and looking out over the Mississippi as the sun was shining, the wind was gently blowing and the trees were blooming all around me. I remember thinking, "this is such a beautiful world - it's so easy to see God alive and active in this world. It's so easy to know he loves me and loves this city at this moment". How can I feel such hope at 9 in the morning and then just 12 hours later experience such despair - such a sense of the world being so broken....so empty and so seemingly without God.

So today, I am struggling with what it means to live in the Kingdom. To live in the 'now but not yet' of being a follower of Christ. What will it mean for Mike to experience the Kingdom of God in Iraq but also experience the horror of war? What will it mean for me to experience the Kingdom of God in this city that I have grown to love but to not ignore it's ugliness and brokenness? An even bigger question for me is probably, what will it mean for me to actively be a part of bringing the Kingdom of God to the world around me? Not in ways that are neat or ways that I can control, but in ways that I know the presence of God has indeed shown up?